1/06/2010

I hate to lose things, it is so humiliating. The realization that something I value is no longer in my possession screams, "I am irresponsible and can’t be trusted". So much time is wasted looking all over the place for that thing I lost. I look everywhere, and then I look there again, “maybe it was hiding from me?”. I ask people if they have seen it. Usually, they haven’t but now they have this connection to me. Here begins this relationship of “Hey, have you found that thing you lost?” When our paths cross they feel compelled to ask me this. This huge constant reminder of that time I was so irresponsible that I lost my camera. Now every time I see this person, she ask me if I found it. I am standing in a large group of friends and she walks by, “hey, did you ever find that thing you lost?” This comment has several levels. One, the girl is pissed she is not in my group of friends. Which immediately leads to the second, she wants everyone to know that I have irresponsible tendencies-don’t trust her with your important stuff because she will lose it. I don’t even care about the $%#@$#$ camera any more, I just want to find it so this person will just shut up!!
And loosing something is so open-ended. There always lies this glimmer of hope, “it will turn up”. That hope is pure torture. Especially when it is said my husband, he really wants to believe that I am trust worthy, that I am capable of keeping track of something valuable. Because if I am not, that is so much more work for him!! Now he has to keep up with everything!!! And then I find the camera. I have waisted all that time with searching and self loathing and for naught. I have spent three weeks thinking I am the biggest looser for loosing the camera, when all the time it was right here. Damn it!! Now the next year is consumed with constant vigilance over the camera, always knowing its exact location so I can begin to wipe this horrible experience from my mind.